Spam From Fam

How To Sell Toothbrushes

2010-06-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

Then I would say,"It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something crappy that they say is good and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless...

Fried Chicken

2010-06-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried
chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and
he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love
animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what
happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal
was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd
asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make
them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office
again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what
famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

Christmas Cards for All

2009-12-01T08:01:00.000-08:00

I have to say this would be really funny.

Pass this on to your church, co-workers, family, and friends. What do you have to lose but 44 cents, what do you have to gain ----------- more than you will ever know.

What a clever idea! Yes, Christmas cards. This is coming early so you can get ready to include an important address to your list.

Want to have some fun this CHRISTMAS? Send the ACLU a CHRISTMAS CARD this year.

As they are working so very hard to get rid of the CHRISTMAS part of this holiday, we should all send them a nice, CHRISTIAN card to brighten up their dark, sad, little world..

Make sure it says "Merry Christmas" on the inside of it.

Here's the address, just don't be rude or crude. (It's not the Christian way, you know.)

ACLU
125 Broad Street
18th Floor
New York , NY 10004

Two tons of Christmas cards would freeze their operations because they wouldn't know if any were regular mail containing contributions. So spend 44 cents and tell the ACLU to leave Christmas alone. Also tell them that there is no such thing as a "Holiday Tree". . . It's always been called a CHRISTMAS TREE!

And pass this on to your email lists. We really want to communicate with the ACLU! They really DESERVE us!!

For those of you who aren't aware of them, the ACLU, (the American Civil Liberties Union) is the one suing the U.S. Government to take God, Christmas or anything Christian away from us. They represent the atheists and others in this war. Help put Christ back in Christmas!

The Ten Commandments

2009-11-05T12:25:00.000-08:00

Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in the Ten commandments.

Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the 'King James' into ' Jackson County ' language.... no joke, (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN )

(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin' before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin'
(7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
(8) Don't take what ain't yers
(9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

Now that's plain an' simple. Y'all have a nice day.

Skinny vs ?

2009-11-05T12:21:00.000-08:00

We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a drink with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren't heavy,we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smartI am."

Election Eve Inspiration

2009-11-02T11:54:00.001-08:00

A little inspiration for Election Day.

Marrying a good speller

2009-10-16T12:55:00.000-07:00

Breaking News

2009-10-15T12:52:00.000-07:00

This just in. Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!

Be Careful Out There

2009-08-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' (Depends on if it's 1/4 of a Clydesdale vs 1/2 of a Shetland Pony)

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'& nbsp;

From Kingman , KS (Only in Kansas...)

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City (Kansas side or Missouri side? I'm betting Kansas side)

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appall ed, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS (Kansas again)

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS (And to think GM went under?)

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
(If you don't believe it, go the county fair)

Kohl's Shopping Trip

2009-08-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)

Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it..

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.

After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision... Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm.

She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while...He allows us to witness

Test for Dementia

2009-08-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can 't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!
First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1 Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask..
It's really very simple.... Like you!

Wyoming Cowboy

2009-08-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

Again sorry for the all CAPS, but these email spammers do not seem to know you can press the Caps Lock key and not yell at people via email. Still a funny one though:

OBITUARIES

EBERT WALTERS JUNE 14, 2009

DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING.

EBERT DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104
HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN -- AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

EMPLOYMENT OPPORTUNITY‏

2009-07-30T07:25:00.000-07:00

I feel so honored to have been contacted by this company.

Date:30th July, 2009.

Attention: They have my attention. This email just SCREAMS at me!

WE HALLIBURTON UK IS (You is?) CURRENTLY OFFERING NUMEROUS OPPORTUNITIES TO PROFESSIONALS OF ALL NATIONALITIES. WE BRING TO YOUR NOTICE ON THE JOB OPPORTUNITY AS AN EXPATRIATE IN OUR ESTEEM COMPANY. WE REQUIRE EXPERIENCE PROFESSIONALS COMPETENCE TO WORK WITH LESS SUPERVISION.

WE ARE AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER THAT PROMOTES DIVERSITY AND VALUE DIFFERENCES. CONSEQUENTLY, WE EMPLOY PEOPLE OF DIVERSE BACKGROUND REGARDLESS OF GENDER, RACE, CREED, SOCIAL AND MARITAL STATUS ETC (ETC includes Credit Card Number, Social Security Number, and Mother's Maiden Name)..... WE HAVE CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR TALENTED GRADUATES IN OUR INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY, ENGINEERING, FINANCE, HUMAN RESOURCES, CORPORATE AFFAIRS AND EXTERNAL RELATIONS ORGANIZATION.

YOUR RESUME POSTED ON SITE FOR ASSESSMENT, WAS FOUND SUITABLE FOR AN EMPLOYMENT CONSIDERATION IN OUR ESTEEM ORGANIZATION.
ON NOTIFICATION OF YOUR INTENTION YOUR ARE TO SEND YOUR MOST CURRENT RESUME IN ENGLISH LANGUAGE (Unlike this e-mail) STATING YOUR CURRENT RANGE OF SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE IN DETAILS.

Yours Truly,
James Graham. (I wonder if his family invented the Graham cracker)
Tel: +44 7024078573 Fax:+448704954878.

Copyright © 2009 Halliburton Oil Services U.K. All rights reserved. Terms of Service - Copyright / IP Policy. Don't even think about copying this email, because it's copyrighted by Halliburton Oil Services.

Muslim Quarterback

2009-07-28T06:56:00.000-07:00

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

A Catholic School Education

2009-07-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry these are all in CAPS, but don't you love the feeling of being yelled at? I just post them as they come.

A Nun Grading Papers

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE; YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST; KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS.

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE; GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOT'S WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY; BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4.THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSER. AFTERWARDS; MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE
APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS
SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS; A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON; ONE OF DAVIDS SONS; HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS; SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY
FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE; WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12
DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY; HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

California Poll

2009-07-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% responded, "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% responded, "No es una problema seriosa."

World's Laziest Scammer

2009-07-17T10:24:00.000-07:00

Here is a message from the world's laziest scammer:

YOU WON 750,000 GBP. FROM IRNL. SEND INFO: AGE, TELL,NAME.

This has to be legit though because the email addres is claims.dpt92@yahoo.com.

Craig's List Personals

2009-07-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43 AM EST

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't expect you to crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening.... Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown BLOB flopping about in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet... I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side. I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cellphone. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.

T-Mobile just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really pissed and we had a long chat (I guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life.

Next time you might not be so lucky.... - Alex

Guard Rifle Handling

2009-07-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't post more than one a day, but this was just too funny to not share right away.

Fitness Program

2009-07-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

NOTICE:

This department requires no physical fitness program.

Everyone gets enough exercise:

Jumping to conclusions
Flying off the handle
Running down the boss
Knifing friends in the back
Dodging responsibility
Pushing their luck

Hymn #365

2009-07-08T08:58:00.000-07:00

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With his sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously nearly laughing and with a smile announced, "Our closing song will be Hymn #365, Shall We Gather at the River."

Life Explained

2009-07-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

On the first day,
God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'So God agreed.

On the second day,
God created the monkey and said:'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'And God agreed.

On the third day,
God created the cow and said:'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years... How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'And God agreed again.

On the fourth day,
God created humans and said:'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?''

Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it. 'So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves ... For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family ... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren ... And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

NEW PREAMBLE TO THE CONSTITUTION

2009-06-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.

"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."

ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes .

ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care..

ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair..

ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful. (AMEN!)

ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from! (Lastly.....)

ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage.. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

2009-06-21T22:44:00.000-07:00

"Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter"
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny..
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is.....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

The 3 C's

2009-06-05T07:09:00.001-07:00

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the madcow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canadaalmost three years ago, right to the s tall where she slept in the stateof Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But theyare unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around ourcountry. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

________________________________
THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don'twe just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, ithas worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.

________________________________
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in acourthouse or Congress is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal''Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a buildingfull of lawyers, judges and politicians ... it creates a hostile workenvironment.

How to negotiate with God

2009-05-08T08:38:00.000-07:00

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. 'Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.' Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Ca ol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God:

I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God:

This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God:

I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

'Just be home in time for dinner,' her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

How twins are made

2009-04-20T09:41:00.000-07:00

I just hope they didn't name their children Copy and Paste. Would you call them Control C and Control V for short?

Cake Mixes & Toxins

2009-04-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

A student at HBHS (high school) had pancakes this week and it almost became fatal. His Mom (registered nurse) made him pancakes, dropped h im off at school and headed to play tennis. She never takes her cell phone on the court but did this time and her son called to say he was having trouble breathing. She told him to go to the nurse immediately and proceeded to call school and alert the nurse. The nurse called the paramedics and they were there in 3 minutes and worked on the boy all the way to the hospital. He came so close to dying. Evidently this is more common then I ever knew. Check the expiration dates on packages like pancakes and cake mixes that have yeast which over time develop spores. Apparently, the mold that forms in old mixes can be toxic! Throw away ALL OUTDATED pancake mix, Bisquick, brownie mixes etc you have in your home. (Check out the snopes link before you go throwing away your entire pantry)

You can check this website....... http://www.snopes.com/medical/toxins/pancake.asp

P. S. You might want to tell this to your children, grandchildren, nephews, nieces and anyone else who keeps these types of mixes in the cupboard. (Don't forget your uncle's, dog's, sister's, owner's, brother-in-law because he'll want to know as well!)

New Ice Cream

2009-04-13T07:32:00.000-07:00

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor:

"Barocky Road"

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow. The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Are you feeling stimulated yet?

Harry Truman

2009-03-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

Harry Truman, from Missouri, was a different kind of President.

Historians have written the only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri . On top of that, his wife inherited the house from her Mother.

When he retired from office in 1952, his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.

After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess Truman drove home to Missouri by themselves. There were no Secret Service following them.

When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, 'You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale.'

Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, 'I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise.'

He never owned his own home and as president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.

Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.

Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, 'My choices early in life were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any
difference.'

Words Fail Me...

2009-03-26T15:47:00.000-07:00

Wow! There is nothing you can say to people this dumb….Just don’t lose brain cells trying to grasp their logic. You Can’t!

Someone needs to visit a slaughter house! Can you say, "Instant vegetarian"?

Main ingredient of WD-40

2009-03-19T12:04:00.000-07:00

Just a disclaimer: I am not endorsing these uses, but they sound cool.

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of
WD-40 is? Don't lie and don't cheat. WD-40. Who knew? I had a neighbor who
had bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that
someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for
some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news.
He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do probably nothing
until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and
told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint
beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm
impressed!
WD-40 who knew? 'Water Displacement #40' The product began from a search for
a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40
was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical
Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water
displacement' compound.. They were successful with the fortieth formulation,
thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas
missile parts.
Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that
would hurt you. When you read the 'shower door' part, try it.
It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door.
If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle!
Then try it on your stove top ... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever
been. You'll be amazed.
Here are some other uses:
1. Protects silver from tarnishing.
2. Removes road tar and grime from cars.
3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings.
4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them slippery.
5. Keeps flies off cows.
6. Restores and cleans chalkboards.
7. Removes lipstick stains.
8. Loosens stubborn zippers.
9. Untangles jewelry chains.
10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks.
11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill.
12. Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing.
13. Removes tomato stains from clothing.
14. Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots (Soon everyone at work is going to smell like WD-40)
15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors. (Like waxing the car)
16. Keeps scissors working smoothly.
17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes.
18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those
nasty tar and scuffmarks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and
you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off.
Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
Use WD-40!
20. Gives a children's playground gym slide a shine for a super fast slide. (Hehehe)
21. Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on
riding mowers.
22. Rids kids' (WOW) rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises (Oh...).
23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to
open.
24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close.
25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as
vinyl bumpers. (It will ruin the long-term lasting effect of it though.)
26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles.
27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans. (But not hand fans)
28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy
handling.
29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly.
30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools. (So does using them.)
31. Removes splattered grease on stove.
32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging.
33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs.
34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell). (It's not the most pleasant)
35. Removes all traces of duct tape.
36. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis
pain.
37. Florida's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills
and bumpers.'
38. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue of
Liberty from the elements.
39. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you will
be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than the
chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose.
Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing
is not allowed in some states.
40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and stops
the itch.
41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and
wipe with a clean rag.
42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and
dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots
with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!
43. If you spray WD-40 on the distributor cap, it displaces the
moisture and allows the car to run smoothly.

P. S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL.
(I don't know if I believe that or not. That's a lot of fish oil to collect.)

St. Patrick's Day Jokes

2009-03-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Q: What is left out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?
A: Paddy O’Furniture

Q: What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?
A: A sham rock

Q: Why do frogs like St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Because they’re always wearing green

Q: When is an Irish Potato not an Irish Potato?
A. When it’s a French fry!

Q: What does it mean when you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is going barefoot

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn’t afford plane fare

Q: What do you call a diseased Irish criminal?
A: A leper con

Q: Why would you never iron a four-leaf clover?
A: Because you shouldn’t press your luck!

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

2009-03-16T08:58:00.000-07:00

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

ONLY IN AMERICA....
NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS...

The Economy Explained

2009-03-04T09:14:00.000-08:00

The Bathtub Test

2009-03-03T09:44:00.000-08:00

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

*ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?*

They Walk Among Us

2009-02-25T14:53:00.000-08:00

Some of these are pretty funny, but truly unbelievable.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....' Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

***They walk among us!!***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!** *
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!! (If you don't believe it, attend your state fair this year.)

Stimulus Bill - Explanation

2009-02-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor & says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Sat & help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professors house.

The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, & the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, & fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, & then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, & began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time & effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket & replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

The Smart Car

2009-02-19T15:03:00.000-08:00

What we will be forced to drive soon (unless options come along like:)

The Smorvette! (Definitely my favorite!)

The Smaudi A3 AWD! (Think what road kill would do to this thing)

The Smamborghini! (In back to the Future 4, they'll use these. 8.8 miles per hour!!!)

The Smorsche! (Reminds me of a smurf)

The Smorsche Targa! (I think that's one of the lollypop gild dancers)

The Smerrari! (Check out my shiny 6" rims)

Spread the Stupidity

2009-02-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. (Too true!)

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. (Because they "like the flavor")

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. (I can park in my garage.)

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (This is smart marketing.)

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? (Do they really?)

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

An Educational Day

2009-02-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

(This one is partly funny just because it was sent to me by my ditzy cousin.)

You learn something new everyday
I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself. Did you ever look at the end of your aluminum foil box? You know how when you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Right there on the end of the box is a tab marked ... "Press here to lock end" .. it locks the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too (The boxes are made at the same factory). I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too!

I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up. I'm sharing this with my friends. I hope I'm not the only person who didn't know about this. (I have to admit that I didn't know about it.)

What Religion

2009-02-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School .

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there . One little boy said,
'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are?'
The oldest one said,

'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'
'We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.'
'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.'

The mind of a child

2009-02-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER...

26. Better late than Pregnant

Short Quiz

2009-02-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

The following consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

I thought I would send this out to frustrate all of my smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Riding the bus

2009-02-05T13:06:00.000-08:00

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to pass gas. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize...

you are listening to your iPod.

Hydraulics, Guts and a Good Operator

2009-02-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

This tower was built to show off the physical power of the excavator. OSHA was not invited.

I think I see a new Olympic sport coming about! Just think of the dismounts.

Announcer (in a quiet whisper): What a wonderful routine he has run here today. Amazing use of hydraulics synchronized to Jimmy Hendrix's Purple Haze. Now Jimbob is going to be going for the triple back flip dismount.......

Here he goes..........

(Anticipation building)

Oh.....

He missed it.

USRSF - United States Redneck Special Forces

2009-02-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the: United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)

These well equipt (I love how they spelt equipped) Good Ole Boys will be strategically dropped into Iraq and briefed with the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. The season closes a week from Friday.
3. There is no bag limit.
4. They taste just like chicken.
5. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus and
6. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over a week from Friday.

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

2009-02-02T23:47:00.000-08:00

11. It's on nearly every calendar. (Yeah, but so is Ash Wednesday.)
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day. (What did he do to achieve St. Hood?)
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service. (I actually heard our weatherman say the only reliable thing about weather is that weather will occur 100% of the time tonight on the news.)
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds. (Yeah, the geeks get all the lady's.)
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows".
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney". (How old is that guy anyway?)
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way they come out ahead.

Hunny where are you?

2009-01-30T15:23:00.000-08:00

What to wear when the wife has chores for you...

If you are slow like me you failed to see the guy laying on the couch.

Mount Rushmore

2009-01-29T07:29:00.000-08:00

FOR MANY YEARS I HAVE WONDERED WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE. LAST YEAR I WENT TO THE OTHER SIDE AND TOOK THIS PICTURE.

If you've never traveled to Mount Rushmore, but wondered what was on the other side of the mountain, here is a glimpse.

Confucius Says

2009-01-28T17:58:00.000-08:00

I have to say that I just love the little line decorator seperator.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch bum
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right,

war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like Hell,

bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in Glass house

should change clothes in Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Person who deletes this has no humor!!!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Now send it to 1 Or more people.
Nothing will Happen but 1 or more people laughing

(Finally a chain letter that tells the truth!)

Police Comments

2009-01-26T13:01:00.000-08:00

The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos
around the country...

#15. 'Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile.'

#14. 'Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document.'

#13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

#12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that¹s the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.'

#11. 'So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

#10. 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?'

#9. 'Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket.'

#8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Is Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

#7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop.'

#6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven.'

#5. 'No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.'

#4. 'Just how big were those two beers?'

#3. 'In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.'

#2. 'I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours.
At least you know someone who can post your bail.'

And ... THE BEST ONE!

#1 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't -
Sign here.'

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2009-01-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself. If you burn your throat, swallow another ice cube, not butter.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink. Nasty

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. (Remember to use a timer)

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. Make sure you set the trap first.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. (I think a 3rd tool is necessary. Everyone has to have a hammer. No not an MC Hammer, although those pants were AWESOME!)

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. I can't say I agree with this. Have you ever been to a state fair?

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem. See I told you everyone needs a hammer.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES, NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS.

$100.00

2009-01-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00

When The postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The President was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God (Far too many people forget to do this part), which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C. and those guys deducted $95.00 in taxes.

THE GOOD NAPKINS

2009-01-22T15:34:00.000-08:00

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet - then I asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom - didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for 'special occasions' (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months.... It's Christmas Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife. We were all given assignments while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a 'special occasion' Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. 'But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!'

Pass this on to your girlfriends who need a good laugh or anyone who has a daughter! Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly...and for heavens sake, use the good napkins whenever you can!

What brought down the plane in the Hudson River?

2009-01-21T15:55:00.001-08:00

It's Official. He's Inaugurated!

2009-01-20T15:38:00.001-08:00

I'd like to first congratulate President Obama on his inauguration. I only hope and pray that he can turn this country around as he believes that he can do. Here's some political humor on this historic day for you.

George Washington- commander during the American Revolution and our first president
Abe Lincoln- an honorable leader who pulled our nation through it's darkest hour

Alexander Hamilton- founding father, first secretary of the treasury and leader of the Constitutional Convention

Andrew Jackson- “Old Hickory” who fought the British in New Orleans

Ulysses S. Grant- Union army general who lead the North through the Civil War

Ben Franklin, Genius inventor, political theorist and leading author of the constitution

Barack Obama - The people's man with kind eyes and brilliant smile.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

2009-01-19T10:16:00.000-08:00

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. (Once again I don't understand what she is trying to say.)

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. (Well there is middle ground, but no one plays in the middle. Otherwise they are dead chickens.)

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? (See, he's going after the chicken in the middle of the road.)

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. (Hey wait a minute, that's a bunny.)

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken. (So which did you invent first though, the egg or the chicken?)

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. (That chicken deserves a purple heart for crossing the road.)

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. (They are called ravens. Almost made the superbowl, stupid Steelers.)

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on his side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone. (That should cheer you up.)

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only crossroads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one? (Saved the best for last)

Atheist Holiday

2009-01-16T08:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know if this one is true, but it's still a pretty good laugh.

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case Against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

This is too good not to forward. I have to say that I agree.

Redneck Playstation

2009-01-15T22:24:00.000-08:00

TYPE="application/x-shockwave-flash" PLUGINSPAGE="http://www.macromedia.com/go/getflashplayer">
>

This is a fun little game. Sent to us by dizzblnd over at Soggy-Doggy-Bloggy

PONDERISMS

2009-01-14T07:31:00.000-08:00

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. I love this one. It's too true. Just like they have proven that 100% of people who have cancer, used Di hydrogen Monoxide.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Who is not guilty of this one?

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Yeah, but if your health and are lucky you'll die really fast in some freak accident.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? (I don't know about this one, the history channel still talks about it every other week it seems like.)

Take a deep breath before you read the next one.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Obviously someone doesn't know about Boy Scout water

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it."

"Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? I think it's cause the hot dogs are scared of the dark.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? I know exactly why I gave out my email address to people who send me these. It's what makes Spam From Fam what it is.

Political Irony

2009-01-13T08:10:00.001-08:00

I thought this was a pretty funny picture my brother sent. I also just have to throw these two videos in. I was watching TV the other night when I saw this commercial for the Obama Victory Plate. It's really cheesy and at first I thought it wasn't for real. Then I found the Biden Victory Plate as well. You need to watch both of these. It's a good laugh.

Obama Plate

Biden Plate

ATTENTION

2009-01-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.

(I love how these emails are always in all CAPS. It's more fun to read it if you scream it as written.)

2009-01-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

30-06 rifle with Leupold Scope $650 dollars
Out of State License $600 dollars
Gas to drive from New York $700 dollars

(So here is what I think he was going for. I know it's not a trophy elk, but just keep reading.)

Taking a Trophy Montana 'Elk' Priceless...

She's a beaut! Hope he mounts her in his office. I just don't know if I can really believe someone would not know the difference between an elk and an alpaca. Some other poor hunter came back to his pack animal only to find guts, and thought to himself, "Man, I missed the elk and some other hunter stole my alpaca."

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

2009-01-08T15:47:00.000-08:00

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President (What about Billary?).
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal (Little boys love this fact).
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks. (Army Tanks, Water Tanks, Saying Please and Tanks)
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. (Church, Work, and Sports. What else do you need?)
You almost never have strap problems in public. (Obviously someone has never watched a baseball game.)
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck. (Although some comb overs need to just be shaved)
You can play with toys all your life.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. (Too convenient I must admit)

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it (If you are a female and at my blog, you can handle it because you know it's all in good fun) and to the men who will enjoy reading it!

Math Question

2009-01-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

A backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas (Ever been there? Didn't think so. I have and you're not missing much.). The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 1/2 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a crisscross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.

Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half? (Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver...Also Kansas is very flat so don't assume you're on a hill or anything)

Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above? Yes, you can neglect friction. (Like I said, "Kansas is very flat.)

Call before you dig

2009-01-05T10:33:00.000-08:00

This one is for the follower dizzblnd. She takes the calls that prevent this kind of excitement.

Very stark reminder of why we do "Call before you dig"… Anyone seen the excavator? This is what a high pressure gas main is capable of.

Congratulations!!!

2009-01-02T07:52:00.000-08:00

I think this is my favorite kind of spam to receive. They crack me up with the poor English skills.
2009 Toyota Car Promotions
PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
151 CANADA SQUARE,
CANARY WHARF, LONDON, E14 5DY,
UNITED KINGDOM.

(Unfortunately I was unable to verify the address on Google Earth. However there is a Canary Wharf Tower at 1 Canada Square and right next door is "The Financial Services Authority" and "Financial Job In London" so I am thinking this has to be legit)

Agent: Mr. David Morgan
EMAIL: ImNotTellingYou@hotmail.com
(Very reliable address. I mean don't you trust hotmail? I've been using hotmail since the late 90's and I've always trusted them.)
Phone: +447024070573 (I called, but no one was home.)

Dear Winner (That's me not you!),

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of 600,000.00 (Six Hundred Thousand Great British Pounds 864,960 U.S. dollars) and a brand new Toyota car (Toyota Prius) International programs held in London United Kingdom. Below is the description Of New your (Is New Your close to New York?) Toyota Car to be Shipped to you.

NEW TOYOTA CAR:......................Year 2009 Model( Toyota Prius)
COLOUR OF CAR:.........................Light Blue Colour (That's a fancy way to write color. This MUST be a nice car)
MODEL:.....................................Toyota Prius 2.0i ES MANUALENGINE (I know what a manual engine is, but what's a MANUALENGINE?)
TYPE:.............................1973cc 4-cylinder
POWER:.....................................145bhp (I was worried it might have one of those foreign plug in jacks and I'd have to get a converter)
TRANSMISSIONS:.........................Five-speed manual (This car has transmissions, not just a transmission)
FUEL:.........................................29.1mpg (combined) (I find it interesting that it's MPG in London and not KPL-Kilometers Per Liter)

By this point I can tell you are getting really jealous of my new found fortune!

The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system(s) (So which is it a system or multiple systems?) from a database of over 250,000 email addresses drawn from all the continents of the world. (Ha! Take that you Antartican. I won, not you.) This Toyota car Lottery is approved by the British Gaming Board and also Licensed by the The International Association of Gaming Regulators (IAGR) (As well as IGOR). This promotional car lottery is the tenth of its kind and we intend to sensitize the public (What are the sensitizing?). To begin the processing of your prize you are to follow the instructions below and fill the required information. please provide me with your secret pin code tyt2544bg and your reference number 6G2008uYdx. You are also advised to provide me with the under listed information as soon as possible to my email;

CLAIMS REQUIREMENTS:
**********************************************************
1. FULL NAMES: Just a Blogger
2. ADDRESS: http://www.slowdayatwork.com
3. SEX: Male
4. AGE: 28
5. MARITAL STATUS: Married
6. OCCUPATION: Working
7. E-MAIL ADDRESS: spam@slowdayatwork.com
8. TELEPHONE NUMBER: I'm using phone number 3 today.
9. NATIONALITY: U.S.A.
10. REFERENCE NUMBER: 6G2008uYdx
11. SERIAL NUMBER: Captain Crunch Box 14
12. ATTACH YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT FOR DOCUMENTATION: Don't have one
13. AMOUNT WON: Wait a minute...
14. WINNERS STATE: Texas won Miss USA.
15. WINNERS COUNTRY: I think China won the most gold medals.
**********************************************************
If you do not contact us within 10 working days of this notification, your winnings would would (A double would, they are SERIOUS!) pass on to the next email slot in line. Winners are advised to keep their winning details/information from the public to avoid fraudulent claim (IMPORTANT) pending the transfer/claim by Winner (I already claimed it so don't even try). Accept my hearty congratulations once again! (I accept!)

Regards,
Mr. David Morgan
(What a nice guy)

Tweety and Sylvester

2008-12-31T08:23:00.000-08:00

Watch this until Sylvester catches Tweety. (Wait for it... It's worth it)
After Tweety is caught, scroll down...

This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - There's hope for you.
2-5 seconds - Having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - Are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - Remedial classes are nothing to be ashamed of.
20-30 seconds - It is recommended that you don't breed.
30 sec-1 min - You probably can't read this anyway. So why bother?
1-2 min - The equivalent of the average house plant.
2-5 min - Good afternoon, Jessica Simpson.
5 min -1 hr - Dead people score in this range.
1hr plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ.

To find out what your prize is, watch Bugs Bunny until he finishes his carrot...
HEY, DON'T BLAME ME... YOU KNOW SYLVESTER NEVER CATCHES TWEETY!

I always felt bad for Sylvester, Coyote and Tom from Tom and Jerry. Those poor guys have got to be starving!

Another dream shattered

2008-12-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

Finally, someone has managed to photograph the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!

Wouldn't you know it!!!!!

Arlington at Christmas Time

2008-12-25T10:54:00.000-08:00

This one is on a little more serious note and I thought it would be very appropriate for Christmas. If you take two seconds to think about all of the men, their families, and what they sacrificed for us, it's very humbling.

Readers may be interested to know that these wreaths -- some 5,000 -- are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. Of Harrington , Maine . The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one the poorest parts of the state.

The oil crisis answer

2008-12-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

~ ~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

~~~

We just didn't know we were getting low.

~~~

The reason for that is purely geographical

~~~

Our OIL is located in

~~~

Alaska

~~~

California

~~~

Coastal Florida

~~~

Coastal Louisiana

~~~

Kansas

~~~

Oklahoma

~~~

Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington , DC !!!

Any Questions ??? NO? I didn't think so.

Interesting.......

2008-12-19T07:37:00.000-08:00

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Air Force fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat

(Before you think I'm racist and stop reading my blog, I just want to say I personally do feel bad for those families who come to America to find a better life because they are so desperate in the countries they come here from. Don't you honestly think you would do the same for your family?)

They caught E.T.

2008-12-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

They Caught E.T. He was apparently cooking meth in Arkansas.

This one is almost too hard to believe with the length of this guy's neck. Although it does bring back a lot of memories from the 2 years I spent in Missouri and Kansas knocking on doors everyday.

There is a town in Missouri called Excelsior Estates that is completely made of trailer homes. Yes, that means that City Hall is even a trailer. Don't believe me? Check this out:

A PERFECT explanation!!!

2008-12-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

This one was sent to me by one of my friends that ran for Senate. He fell a little short, but I think if he tries again he might just make it.

Mortgage Backed Securities are like boxes of chocolates. Criminals on Wall Street stole a few chocolates from the boxes and replaced them with turds. Their criminal buddies at Standard & Poor r ated these boxes AAA Investment Grade chocolates.

These boxes were then sold all over the world to investors. Eventually somebody bites into a turd and discovers the crime. Suddenly nobody trusts American chocolates anymore worldwide.

Hank Paulson now wants the American taxpayers to buy up and hold all these boxes of turd-infested chocolates for $700 billion dollars until the market for turds returns to normal. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies, the Wall Street criminals who stole all the good chocolates, are not being investigated, arrested, or indicted.

Mama always said: "Sniff the chocolates first, Forrest".

Dew you see what I see?

2008-12-16T10:46:00.000-08:00

This one wasn't titled so I thought I was pretty clever in coming up with the one I did. Check out this Christmas Tree.

The only thing I'm left thinking is, "What parent in their right mind would give their children this much caffeine at Christmas time?"

Surgeon General's Warning

2008-12-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

CAUTION: Chewing gum, when swallowed, can cause bodily harm. DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING GUM.

Now that is what I call a bubble blowing contest. This reminds me of a story about my sister's old dog. He would eat ANYTHING.

One time he ate a tube sock. My sister saw him out in the yard going to the bathroom with this really long piece of poop hanging from his rear. My sister just though, "Man that is a really long piece of poop." Turns out it was the tube sock, still in tack.

And no she didn't wash it for use later...Although that would have been a funny story to tell her husband after he put the sock on.

Why it's good to be the boss

2008-12-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

I don't even have to comment on this one.

Men at work.

2008-12-12T14:56:00.000-08:00

These men have just finished placing solid steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a sports bar downtown. They are cleaning up at the end of the day. And…………………. (This is where you are supposed to notice the the van is parked inside of the pillars.)

I got to thinking, hmmm maybe that van could fit. So I took the image and put it in Photoshop and............

It fits, but just barely.

Rigging up the lights

2008-12-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

Another one from my mom.

I just don't understand women.

The wife has been on my case to get the Christmas lights up for a couple of weeks. They are up now and for some reason she will not talk to me.

After reading this one and seeing the picture I couldn't help but think about this Christmas song I used to listen to called The 12 Pains of Christmas. It's set to the tune of The 12 Days of Christmas. I found a YouTube video with it, so you can listen to the words. My favorite part is the progression of the 2nd day.

Some Days You Just Need Your Wife...

2008-12-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

My mom sent me this picture. I find it to be very humorous. Mostly because I remember having to stand on the back of our forklift when I was younger to "help" my dad or older brother when a load was too heavy on the front. I'm pretty sure the picture has not been doctored, but anymore you never can tell.

A real man's BBQ Grill

2008-12-09T10:03:00.001-08:00

Some people just have way too much time on their hands. (Sometimes I feel like one of them!)

Can you do it?

2008-12-08T14:56:00.000-08:00

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.... Read all the Numbers... Slowly and in Order!! Be Careful not to MISS ANY !!!

1
2
3
4
5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20
21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30

Finished? Scroll down .....................

GOOD ! TOMORROW I'LL SEND YOU THE ABC's ! It takes so little to amuse old people.

6 Truths of Life

2008-12-07T13:45:00.000-08:00

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this I was An Idiot too, and needed Company.... (Did you fall for it? I didn't.)

No money this year for presents

2008-12-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

My dear friends and family,

Somewhat embarrassing to admit, Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:

How to make bedroom slippers out of maxi pads:

You need four maxi pads to make a pair.
Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part.
The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top.
Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part.
Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.

These slippers are:

Soft and Hygienic
Non-slip grip strips on the soles
Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
No more bending over to mop up spills
Disposable and biodegradable
Environmentally safe
Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.

I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself....Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE

2008-12-05T07:18:00.000-08:00

I received this e-mail yesterday from someone I really am not acquainted with very well. I found it offensive. Especially with the comment he made about how he wishes life was still this way. Read the guide below and I hope you'll understand why.

THE GOOD WIFE'S GUIDE TAKEN FROM "HOUSEKEEPING MONTHLY"
May 13 1955

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal [especially his favorite dish] is part of the warm welcome needed. (Not a huge deal. This is a very nice gesture, but I don't think it should be expected.)
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. (If you have children, how do you find time to do this?) Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (And you haven't?)
Be a little gay (it used to mean happy) and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and then run a dust cloth over the tables. (Her she comes to save the day!)
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (I do agree that serving other brings satisfaction, but it is lost easier to turn up the thermostat.)
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. (He is coming home from work, not going to church!) They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. (Yeah, so let them be kids, not museum artifacts.) Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Be happy to see him. (I think this one can still be expected.)
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. (This one too, but expect the same back.)
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (It's important to wind down for anyone and change modes, but I can't believe that they said his topics are more important. How do they know? What if one of the children is at the hospital?)
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax. (This is just flat out wrong!)
Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. (Not just your husband, but you and your whole family need to be able to enjoy your home.)
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. (Complaints and problems bring anyone down. Optimistic people are lots more fun.)
Don't complain if he's late home for diner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day. (What did he go through?)
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. (Most men are perfectly able of sitting in a lounger by themselves, and can also get a drink for themselves as well.)
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. (My kids like to take my shoes off sometimes, but I'd never expect my wife to.)
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. (I just about choked.) You have no right to question him. (You have EVERY RIGHT. You are married right? I thought marriage was a partnership.)
A good wife always knows her place. (What's that supposed to mean?)

Do you see why I found it to be a little offensive?

Two Brazilians

2008-11-26T10:12:00.000-08:00

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! Somany men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, andthere is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

What cartoon character are you?

2008-11-26T09:56:00.000-08:00

These are always fun for some reason. I don't know why, they just are.

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character. Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character you most resemble?

A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well known and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test. Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points. At the end look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the e-mail before you are done.

Then forward this to all your friends (including the person who sent it to you) and change the subject of this message to what character is you. (I give you permission not to forward it. Better yet, post a comment about which one you are.)

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?

Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.) (My Choice Total = 2)
Painting in the park (5 pts)
Rock concert (1 pt.)
Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?

Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
Alternative (1 pt.)
Soft Rock (4 pts.) (My Choice Total = 6)
Country (5 pts )
Pop (3 pts. )

3. What type of movies do you prefer?

Comedy (2 pts.) (My Choice Total = 8)
Horror (1 pt.)
Musical (3 pts.)
Romance (4 pts.)
Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could choose one of these?

Waiter (4 pts.)
Professional Sports Player (5 pts.) (My Choice Total = 13)
Teacher (3 pts.)
Police (2 pts.)
Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?

Exercise (5 pts.) (If playing sports counts as exercising. My Choice Total = 18)
Read (4 pts.)
Watch television (2 pts.)
Listen to music (1 pt.)
Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?

Yellow (1 pt.)
White (5 pts.)
Sky Blue (3 pts)
Dark Blue(2 pts.) (My Choice Total = 20)
Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?

Snow (3 pts.)
Pizza (2 pts.) (My Choice Total = 22)
Sushi (1 pt.)
Pasta (4 pts.)
Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday? (Mine's not in the list 4th of July. I'll pick my 2nd)

Halloween(1 pt.)
Christmas (3 pts.) (My Choice Total = 25)
New Year (2 pts.)
Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?

Paris (4 pts.)
Spain (5 pts)
Las Vegas (1 pt)
Hawaii (4 pts)
Hollywood (3 pts) (My Choice Total = 28)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?

Someone Smart (5 pts.) (My Choice Total = 33)
Someone attractive (2 pts.)
Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun; you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you're never out of style , you are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times

(24-28 points) You are Elmo:You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people and you will be stress free. (Yep, I'm the square yellow guy with brown pants.)

(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown: You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points ) You are Dexter: You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

Now don't spoil it! Have some Fun!! (Comment on who you are, OR ELSE!!!!! you will have bad luck for 15 straight years on the 3rd Thursday of the second month following the first blue moon of every odd year)

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

2008-11-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a HairDryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. (This ones funny. When I was a missionary for the LDS church we drove the same type of car as the local police. Scriptures or books on the dashboard work well too especially if you are dressed in a suit and tie. It's so funny to watch people slam on their breaks and then realize you aren't police.)
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask " Do you want fries with that."
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten OverTheir Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds". ("Illegal contraband" is fun as well)
Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
Dont use any punctuation
As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. (I've got to try this.)
Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
Sing Along At The Opera.
Go to a poetry recital. Ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream, "I Won! I Won!"
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going ToHave To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ..Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. (I never do, but somehow I maintain to keep my sanity.)

It's Called ... laugh therapy.

BBQ Covers Require Maintenance

2008-11-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

This has to be one of the best forwarded e-mails I've received.

So I'm using my bbq this weekend... So I thought I'll clean it up..
I have known there were bee's coming from under the cover so I thought I'd kill them, obviously...
So heres the bbq in question

Now I know these bombs aren't for bee's and that but I thought I'll suffocate/smoke them out. So here is the weapon of choice and delivery system.

I thought I was pretty smart hehehe designed to be easierly manovered under the cover of darkness...
So then I release the weapon of buzz destruction..

The sound from under the cover was incredible!!! You could hear it 3m away easy...
Then I ran like the clappers....
Coming back few mins later to see the death toll...

Was at least 20mm deep mass grave

I continued to remove the cover and to light the bbq to give it a c lean when I noticed some fattlylooking substance on the top of th side shelf thing.....
Bit weird.. I clean it before I put it away for winter and no way was there fat there so I begun to wonder......
NO..... It can't be could it?
I slowly removed the rest of the cover only to find the HQ..

MORE PICS!

AND ON ANOTHER NOTE
We think the queen flew away.... Either that or a small child has wings and has been living in the hive coz that thing was huge!

The Pregnant Turkey

2008-11-21T13:22:00.000-08:00

This e-mail is almost too hard to believe.

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY(Fiction?) (NO!) (I love how they have to clarify)

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my Sister's' house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to Play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, And inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the Turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! (Google it they really do)

Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

Tough Love vs. Spanking

2008-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Son,

I know you think it’s improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control the grandkids when they have one of those moments.

One I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, the kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with your son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Sincerely,

Dad

Where all the old phones go

2008-11-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

"Where old phones go! . . ..everyone of these sheep is made from telephones and cords check out their feet!!!"

I love how in most of these forwarded email messages people use the exclamation point A LOT!!!!! This is a pretty cool picture though. I bet this took a long time to complete.

Interesting Thoughts

2008-11-19T09:14:00.000-08:00

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 . Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person asking, 'What happened?'
22. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
23. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn you tomorrow

Sinko De Byrus

2008-11-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

BUENOS DIAS!

JOU HABE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE HABE NO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A MANUAL BYRUS. PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARDT-DRIBE JOURSELF AND SEND DEES E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.

TANKJOU FOR HALPING ME.
JULIO MANUEL JOSE FELIPE GONZALO JORGE RODRIGUEZ-Jones
(MEHICAN HACKER)

Who needs a trailer?

2008-11-17T08:04:00.000-08:00

Backwoods hauling. No need for a trailer, just park on top of the car. One question though. Where do you put the dead deer?

Jocks vs Nerds

2008-11-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not. If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head. If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there. If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours. If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second. He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round. He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. Past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

However...if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment. Game over. Nerd wins

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