IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' (Depends on if it's 1/4 of a Clydesdale vs 1/2 of a Shetland Pony)
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change..
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'& nbsp;
From Kingman , KS (Only in Kansas...)
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Kansas City (Kansas side or Missouri side? I'm betting Kansas side)
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appall ed, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS (Kansas again)
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS (And to think GM went under?)
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and they VOTE and they REPRODUCE
(If you don't believe it, go the county fair)
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Kohl's Shopping Trip
(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't make this stuff up!)
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'
Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it..
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.
After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision... Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm.
She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while...He allows us to witness
Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'
Come on, Ellen, let's just go..'
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it..
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.
After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.
BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision... Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.
It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.
Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm.
She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.
Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:
After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.
After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.
A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.
Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while...He allows us to witness
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Test for Dementia
Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can 't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1 Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask..
It's really very simple.... Like you!
Let's find out just how clever you really are....
Ready? GO!!!
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are
absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,
but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?
Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20 . Now add another 1000
Now add 10. What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
.Maybe.
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1 Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,
4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!
Okay, now the bonus round:
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully
expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is
done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He just has to open his mouth and ask..
It's really very simple.... Like you!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Wyoming Cowboy
Again sorry for the all CAPS, but these email spammers do not seem to know you can press the Caps Lock key and not yell at people via email. Still a funny one though:
OBITUARIES
EBERT WALTERS JUNE 14, 2009
DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING.
EBERT DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104
HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN -- AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
OBITUARIES
EBERT WALTERS JUNE 14, 2009
DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING.
EBERT DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104
HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN -- AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
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