They Walk Among Us

Some of these are pretty funny, but truly unbelievable.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

***They walk amongst us!***
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*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....' Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where? '

***They walk among us!!***
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'

***They Walk Among Us!!***
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!** *
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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!! (If you don't believe it, attend your state fair this year.)

Stimulus Bill - Explanation

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor & says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?" The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Sat & help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed. At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professors house.

The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool. They both went out back to the pool, & the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, & fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed. The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, & then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told. The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, & began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?" The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper. The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.

However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time & effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket & replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

The Smart Car

What we will be forced to drive soon (unless options come along like:)

The Smorvette! (Definitely my favorite!)

The Smaudi A3 AWD! (Think what road kill would do to this thing)

The Smamborghini! (In back to the Future 4, they'll use these. 8.8 miles per hour!!!)

The Smorsche! (Reminds me of a smurf)

The Smorsche Targa! (I think that's one of the lollypop gild dancers)

The Smerrari! (Check out my shiny 6" rims)

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. (Too true!)

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. (Because they "like the flavor")

Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. (I can park in my garage.)

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. (This is smart marketing.)

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? (Do they really?)

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

An Educational Day

(This one is partly funny just because it was sent to me by my ditzy cousin.)

You learn something new everyday
I had to go into the kitchen and check this out for myself. Did you ever look at the end of your aluminum foil box? You know how when you try to pull some foil out and the roll comes out of the box. Then you have to put the roll back in the box and start over. The darn roll always comes out at the wrong time.

Well, I would like to share this with you. Right there on the end of the box is a tab marked ... "Press here to lock end" .. it locks the roll in place. How long has this little locking tab been there? I then looked at a generic brand of aluminum foil and it had one, too (The boxes are made at the same factory). I then looked at a box of Saran wrap and it had one too!

I can't count the number of times the Saran wrap roll has jumped out when I was trying to cover something up. I'm sharing this with my friends. I hope I'm not the only person who didn't know about this. (I have to admit that I didn't know about it.)

What Religion

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School .

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there . One little boy said,
'We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?'

'Sure,' said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, 'You are now baptized!'

When they got outside, one of them asked, 'What religion do you think we are?'
The oldest one said,

'We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you.'
'We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water.'
'We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.'

The littlest one said, 'Didn't you smell that water?!'

They all joined in asking, 'Yeah! What do you think that means?'

'I think it means we're Pisscopailians.'

The mind of a child

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER...

26. Better late than Pregnant

Short Quiz

The following consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!




1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?




















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




















Did you say, open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.











3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?



























Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?













Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

I thought I would send this out to frustrate all of my smart friends.

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Riding the bus

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... You need to pass gas. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize...

you are listening to your iPod.

Hydraulics, Guts and a Good Operator

This tower was built to show off the physical power of the excavator. OSHA was not invited.

I think I see a new Olympic sport coming about! Just think of the dismounts.

Announcer (in a quiet whisper): What a wonderful routine he has run here today. Amazing use of hydraulics synchronized to Jimmy Hendrix's Purple Haze. Now Jimbob is going to be going for the triple back flip dismount.......

Here he goes..........

(Anticipation building)

Oh.....

He missed it.

USRSF - United States Redneck Special Forces

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the: United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)


These well equipt (I love how they spelt equipped) Good Ole Boys will be strategically dropped into Iraq and briefed with the following facts about terrorists :

1. The season opened today.
2. The season closes a week from Friday.
3. There is no bag limit.
4. They taste just like chicken.
5. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus and
6. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over a week from Friday.

Top 11 Reasons to Celebrate Groundhog Day

11. It's on nearly every calendar. (Yeah, but so is Ash Wednesday.)
10. Helps relieve cabin fever.
9. Spring or not, it's six weeks till St Urho's Day. (What did he do to achieve St. Hood?)
8. Forecast is no less reliable than the National Weather Service. (I actually heard our weatherman say the only reliable thing about weather is that weather will occur 100% of the time tonight on the news.)
7. At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way.
6. Valentine's Day is too depressing for nerds. (Yeah, the geeks get all the lady's.)
5. Unlike the Easter bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside.
4. As they used to say on radio: "The Shadow knows".
3. It's fun to say "Punxsutawney". (How old is that guy anyway?)
2. If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him.
1. In Minnesota, either way they come out ahead.